He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Help. Why am I so naked?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
