i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
