im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
