So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
