Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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