He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I will be naked everywhere
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
