Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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