last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
