Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
