i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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