we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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