Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
