Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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