Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
