so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
