My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
