new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
