how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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