When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
its not stalking. its research.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
