my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
