Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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