3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
