if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
