Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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