I could have mohawked her pubes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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