sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
