life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
