I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
