Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
