lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
