If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
