I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
