Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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