Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
