no, he came in my armpit
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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