Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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