im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
