Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
