I just cut my nipple shaving
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
