Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
