ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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