i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
