There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
