she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
