i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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