I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
This toilet bowl is my home.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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