fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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