when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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