Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
