Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
