i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Found the puke drawer
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
